So come on, what's the deal with sexy vampires these days? When did that happen?
Okay so here's something I've been wondering. With Twilight being the new big movie in the cinema, everyone's all "hot vampire" this and "gorgeous vampire" that. What's going on? When did these fearsome creatures of the night become a part of the modeling industry?
Let's take a look at some vampires ^_^
Count Orlock (1922)
Look at this dude, short, bald with ridiculously thin long fingers that look pretty useless for anything (except that). Sexy? I think not. Scary? Hmmm...Nah, but still, not hot.
Holyshit. This is pure unbridled terror! Dracula is the world’s most famous undead bloodsucker, and there's nothing sexy about this, this is what it means to be a vampire ladies and gentlemen. Sucking blood, killing people and raping beautiful women, the joys of vampirism! The un-joys? Being killed by daytime, sticks, stones, rose petals and water (albeit blessed by a holy man, it's still just hydrogen and oxygen =D).
And you know what, only until recently was this it. Dracula wasn't a vampire. He was THE vampire, when people thought vampires, they thought of Dracula, and then pissed themselves out of fear.
BUT EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE. In 1992 mainstream media got a taste of ye olde ancient vampyre lore, in all their evil bloodsucking glory civilization was given Buffy the Vampire slayer.
Now to be fair, Buffy the Vampire slayer was an AMAZING series, seriously, it was awesome. And it had some pretty goddamn evil looking beasties.
Vampire as depicted in Buffy (1992)See check this shit out. Modern technology has given the modern vampire a totally amazing badass look. Aside from Dracula, this is the pant-shittingly scariest member of the undead horde I've ever seen.
HOWEVER, the vampires on Buffy had the ability to change forms, and look like perfectly normal human beings, and because of this vampires went from scary, to being scary and plain awesome.
Angel and Spike (Buffy series)And this ladies and gentlemen, is the first example of sexy vampires I can find. David Boreanaz and James Masters playing the role of vampires, without makeup of any sort most of the time. And just like that, simply because Jim and Dave are JUST SO GODDAMN GORGEOUS, suddenly everyone wanted in bed with these night-terrors.
DOWNWARD SPIRAL!
So since then, vampires have been sexy. No escaping it.
Blade (1998)
Ok so the true, 100% non-daywalking vampires in Blade were horrifying, to be fair. But I'm not saying there's a decline of scary monsters these days, there's just been an awful lot of sexytime vamps as well. =O. But anyway, Blade. Look at him! He's a vampire, where's the fangs? Where's the BLOOD? If I saw this guy, I wouldn't think he was a vampire, I'd think he was a badass black dude with a sword. But no, he's a vampire. WTF?
MGS2 Vamp (2001)Long flowing locks, flawless skin, long eyelashes, by the 21st century it seems vampires in general discovered the wonders of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, makeup and hair straighteners.
MGS4 Vamp (2008)Seven years later and he's still drop dead gorgeous it seems. If anything he looks even hotter thanks to the upgrades in technology. He's more rugged, realistic and fuckable than ever =/
And now ladies and gentlemen we come to Twilight. If ever the idea of what a vampire is could be more mutilated and distorted, it's this.
Edward (2008)Wow. Holy shit. Fucking hell. Oh my god. Run for the hills. It's a fucking vampire.
Except not really.
It seems that vampire, in the year of 2008 refers to androgynous pretty boys who fall in love with teenage girls and drink animal blood instead of human blood.
Well that’s just marvelous.
So to conclude. Let’s have a quick look back from then and now.
Fuck you vampires. Fuck you all for becoming this sexy all of a sudden. Ladies and gentlemen, modern society, the year 2008, if it's sexy, it sells.
~MagicalJamie
4 comments:
sir i thank you for raising thsi most important topic upon ur blog! wat ever happend to the good old vampire gore! tarantino wuld b turning in his grave if he was dead! has evry1 forgot the good old day of from dusk till dawn where vamps got nailed with penis guns and the sort, has the world gone mad! I direct all of those who follow mine and jamies beleif to encyclopedia dramaticas page on twilight here lies the answers to the plague that has swept the world known as twilight!
anyway hey jamie hows it cuttin my freind aint spoken in a while! lets change that nxt time ur on msn u can tell me all about ur views on vampires and the dr who xmas special i trust ur still a fan!
Greg
The Dr Who Xmas special was excellent. Really good to watch.
I'll miss David Tennant, but I have high hopes for the new guy.
Eccleston to Tennant turned out to be pretty good, so I'm hoping Tennant to Smith will be the same.
My dear friend, let us not forget about The Vampire Chronicles, which is renowned for its beautiful, unearthly vampires. Interview with the Vampire was published in 1976, long before our lovely Buffy. This is most probably a strong influence in the increased popularity of the new-age vampires, although it too probably had its own influences. =)
It seems as if these vampires are a nice cross breed between succubi and the age old vampires; beautiful, blood-sucking temptations. I quite like them (being a fan of Anne Rice myself), but a little trip back to the original is always refreshing.
I agree...for the most part. First, Blade wasn't full vampire. He was only half. So it kind of makes sense that he wouldn't be as gruesome and as gory as the rest of the vampires. Second, Vamp from MGS2 and 4 wasn't a vampire. In fact, Snake points this out in a Codec call from Raiden. Raiden thinks that Vamp means Vampire, but Snake points out that it's because he's bisexual. And plus, the 'vampiric' powers are because his body was enhanced by nanomachines, and he drank blood because I guess he liked the taste.
But other than that, I agree 100%. Very nice.
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